My Fiance Kept a Mermaid, and She Thought She Owned My Home Chapter 08
Calder completely panicked.
He grabbed Orson by the shoulders.
“Is mermaid pregnancy supposed to be this short?”
“Is something wrong?”
“Can a marine vet even deliver mermaid babies?”
Orson moved his mouth desperately.
Nothing came out.
The venom still had him completely mute.
Calder nearly cried.
“Dude, NOW is not the time for charades!”
“This is life or death!”
“And whatever comes out of that fish might be our LAST shot
at an infinite–money glitch!”
“Maybe if we help her, she’ll be grateful and give us a couple
of the babies!”
I silently gave him the middle finger.
In the end, we took Bonnie to the Ravenshore Marine
Veterinary Center.
Calder, the world’s shadiest fish dealer, paced outside the
treatment room waiting for his supposed jackpot to be born.
Watching him pace back and forth was making my head hurt.
So I decided to mess with him.
I sent him a text.
[You seriously still have the nerve to say the baby isn’t yours?]
[Look at you pacing around like an anxious dad.]
[You’ve been waiting for this, haven’t you?]
Calder stared at the screen in horror, opening and closing his
mouth like he couldn’t figure out where to start. I turned away.
Since I couldn’t talk and refused to even look at him, he had
no way to talk his way out of it.
Finally, he snapped.
He rushed into the exam room and went straight to the vet.
“Doctor, PLEASE.”
“When the baby comes out, take whatever samples you need.”
“Run a DNA test,”
“I need proof that I am NOT the father!”
His completely unhinged request echoed down the hall.
I could teel every pet parent in the waiting area staring at us.
I covered my face.
There went the last scrap of dignity I had left.
A while later, the exam–room door opened and the vet stepped into the hall.
“Who’s here with Bonnie?”
Calder immediately backed all the way to the far end of the hall.
Then my phone buzzed.
[Babe, I want you to know I do NOT care what happens to that fish.]
[I’m staying way over here.]
[Love you
I looked at the heart, then at the exam–room door.
I inhaled slowly and walked inside.
Bonnie was fine and resting in the recovery area for observation.
Calder lasted exactly five minutes before sneaking toward the door.
I caught him.
He gave me an awkward grin.
“I thought maybe you needed help.”
He lowered his voice. “So… how’s the baby? How much did it
weigh? How many did she have?”
I had been waiting for that.
I sighed dramatically and typed, [Only one.]
[8 pounds, 4 ounces.]
Disappointment flashed across Calder’s face.
“Only one?”
He muttered under his breath,
“Then forget it. No way she’d hand over her only baby anyway…”
I gave him my most disappointed look.
Then I typed,
[Don’t you have anything to explain?]
[Bonnie only ended up like this because of YOU
Calder’s jaw nearly hit the floor,
He immediately panicked.
“Babe, I swear on my LIFE!”
“Other than brushing her scales, I never touched that fish!”
His eyes widened.
“Oh my God.”
“What if mermaids get pregnant from scale brushing?”
He went even paler.
“No. That makes no sense.”
“I wore RUBBER GLOVES!”
I turned away before I laughed.
Calder followed me miserably.
“Where’s the baby?”
“I want a DNA test.”
“I need to prove I’m innocent!”
I pointed toward the bathroom and typed,
[Flushed it.]
Calder froze.
“Babe… I had no idea you could get this ruthless when you were jealous.”
“That was a BABY. An 8–pound, 4–ounce baby.”
He paused, then frowned.
“Wait. Can a toilet even flush something that weighs eight pounds?”
Apparently, THIS was where Calder decided to grow a conscience.
He became convinced the “baby” was still somewhere in the
plumbing and marched into the bathroom to retrieve it for DNA testing.
When he finally came back out looking defeated, Orson and I
were sitting on the couch trying not to die laughing.
Orson handed him Bonnie’s medical report.
It was right there in black and white.
Severe constipation caused by excessive food intake.
The 8–pound, 4–ounce thing that had just been flushed down the toilet?
Was poop.